I’m not sure how this snuck up on me, but sitting at my desk this morning, I realized that today was my due date. That is, the date that all of the IVF calculators showed as my due date. Of course, we knew with twins it would be earlier, but somehow it seems that everyone still used the “official date” and so I think it will always have some special significance.
How in hell did I almost not remember this huge milestone? Even that makes me sad – that maybe in trying to move forward I’m losing touch with the little things that tie me to them.
I’m sad. And I realize that I’m selfishly sad for me today – with no apologies. Somedays I feel sad for Quinn and Trace and all they endured. But sitting here in my tears this morning, I am sad for me – sad for how much I’ve lost and how my life will never be the same. And how badly I wish they were in the next room in their cribs instead of having their ashes in a box in my closet.
I really am working hard at finding this new normal. Doing all of the busy work to move along the adoption process. But, there are days like today, where the sadness just seeps in and I just have to give myself permission to just be sad. Today is that kind of day. Tomorrow will be better – I hope.