After so many years of infertility – the trying on our own, the IUI, numerous IVF cycles here and even IVF in Europe – all these fertility treatments with the end result being BFN, miscarriage or infant loss, I find myself always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And although I’ve never been one to believe in jinxing, after my first miscarriage (oh I was naive back then) I did take caution not to announce news too quickly, or buy baby items prematurely. Because surely having that kind of confidence might tempt the gods or fate into showing me that I was not in control, and how quickly it could be taken away.
Even during my pregnancy with the boys, I never once walked into a maternity clothing store. I kept thinking I’d wait until it was a little more sure, and then IC, cerclage and bedrest at 17 weeks – so to this day, I have never entered the door of a maternity clothing store. When I was greiving the boys and my loss, I realized that I was actually angry about that part – about missing out on what should have been the fun and joyful parts of pregnancy because I was too scared. And look what good that did me? None!
So, I am feeling a litte weird and torn about the adoption thing and preparing for a baby. Although I have the two cribs and two pack n plays that we bought for the twins and a few onesies that were gifts for them, I really don’t have any of the other essentials.
Part of me thinks we should wait until we bring home a baby – after all, we can pick up a car seat on the way to the hospital if it is a last minute match. Another part of me thinks maybe I’ll just wait and buy a few things once we are matched (assuming we have a little time for planning). After all, not knowing if it will be a boy, a girl, or both, makes it a bit tough to decorate the nursery. And honestly, I don’t think they will care one little bit if it isn’t perfect the day they come home. It will be warm, safe, and full of love – so decorator perfect can come later.
I see lots of other prospective adoptive parents having baby showers and completely outfitting a nursery before they even have a match. And in some ways, I think that is really great. After all, one of the positives about domestic adoption seems to be if you have good representation (agency/attorney) and are proactive, you will come home with a baby in the end – even if the first match doesn’t work out. But somehow, I don’t think I’ll be able to springboard from that thought into actually furnishing a nursery yet.
I have been trying to re-program my brain to think positively about the fact that we will likely have a baby home with us someday – we don’t know when, or how easy or hard the road will be, but someday I think it will happen. And if I truly believe that, why wouldn’t I prepare a nursery? I guess it is the baggage of the last 5+ years of heartache that holds me back. For now, I think I’ll plan to wait for a match and then re-evaluate.
Please come quickly, oh child we are meant to have. I am so very ready to revel in the joy of all that is you! And I like to believe my angel boys are ready and waiting to be guardian angels to their new brother or sister.