After so many years of infertility – the trying on our own, the IUI, numerous IVF cycles here and even IVF in Europe – all these fertility treatments with the end result being BFN, miscarriage or infant loss, I find myself always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And although I’ve never been one to believe in jinxing, after my first miscarriage (oh I was naive back then) I did take caution not to announce news too quickly, or buy baby items prematurely.  Because surely having that kind of confidence might tempt the gods or fate into showing me that I was not in control, and how quickly it could be taken away. 

Even during my pregnancy with the boys, I never once walked into a maternity clothing store.  I kept thinking I’d wait until it was a little more sure, and then IC, cerclage and bedrest at 17 weeks – so to this day, I have never entered the door of a maternity clothing store.   When I was greiving the boys and my loss, I realized that I was actually angry about that part – about missing out on what should have been the fun and joyful parts of pregnancy because I was too scared.  And look what good that did me?  None! 

So, I am feeling a litte weird and torn about the adoption thing and preparing for a baby.  Although I have the two cribs and two pack n plays that we bought for the twins and a few onesies that were gifts for them, I really don’t have any of the other essentials.  

Part of me thinks we should wait until we bring home a baby – after all, we can pick up a car seat on the way to the hospital if it is a last minute match.  Another part of me thinks maybe I’ll just wait and buy a few things once we are matched (assuming we have a little time for planning).   After all, not knowing if it will be a boy, a girl, or both, makes it a bit tough to decorate the nursery.  And honestly, I don’t think they will care one little bit if it isn’t perfect the day they come home.  It will be warm, safe, and full of love – so decorator perfect can come later. 

I see lots of other prospective adoptive parents having baby showers and completely outfitting a nursery before they even have a match.  And in some ways, I think that is really great.  After all, one of the positives about domestic adoption seems to be if you have good representation (agency/attorney) and are proactive, you will come home with a baby in the end – even if the first match doesn’t work out.    But somehow, I don’t think I’ll be able to springboard from that thought into actually furnishing a nursery yet.  

I have been trying to re-program my brain to think positively about the fact that we will likely have a baby home with us someday – we don’t know when, or how easy or hard the road will be, but someday I think it will happen.  And if I truly believe that, why wouldn’t I prepare a nursery?  I guess it is the baggage of the last 5+ years of heartache that holds me back.  For now, I think I’ll plan to wait for a match and then re-evaluate. 

Please come quickly, oh child we are meant to have.  I am so very ready to revel in the joy of all that is you!  And I like to believe my angel boys are ready and waiting to be guardian angels to their new brother or sister.

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5 Responses to Jinxing

  1. Jenny says:

    I really hope your little one(s) come home to you soon. You can have the shower and decorate the nursery after the arrival – tiny people don’t know the difference anyway right? All they want is parents to snuggle and that you are well and truly able to provide. On the other hand, if you feel inspired and think you would enjoy it – like you said, you WILL come home with a baby in the end, so why not go for it?

  2. Miela says:

    I really hope, with all my heart, that you will have your little one- rather sooner than later.

  3. Natalie says:

    I was the same with my pregnancy with my daughter after years of IF and three miscarriages. I held off on everything until the very last minute. We finally got a crib when I was 32 weeks becuase in my mind, that meant that it was likely we would bring this baby home. When she was born at 37 weeks I actually didn’t even have diapers! But it all worked out fine. She slept in her car seat for the first night and my husband went out and bought diapers and a bassinet. We all made it, and she had no idea. I say do the decorating when you are more sure. There is nothing worse than having to dust a baby’s room that is still waiting for a baby. It will happen, but we never know when we start out how long it might take.

  4. Sara says:

    You can make the really important preparations for a newborn in a few hours. I think that postponing the shopping until you feel comfortable is fine.

    I really hope that this all works out for you soon.

  5. I can only imagine the fear you feel…
    Although we went through years of treatment we never made it to a time of actually planning for anything so I don’t know that particular type of pain.
    I think you can only do what feels right for you–forcing things doesn’t sit well either. We’re jumping right in now that we have our referrals but even still, we know there are no guarantees.
    All of this is so hard! I’m hoping you are matched quickly.

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