Just when I thought it was safe

In the last few months, my confidence in being safely out in the world again has been growing a little at a time.  I’ve made it through quite a few situations unscathed – encounters with people asking if I’ve had my twins yet, meeting my neighbor’s 9 month olds twins, babysitting a friend’s infant, etc.  I guess maybe I was getting a bit cocky about being able to handle situations as they come along.  

Today, I realized that the smallest thing can catch me by surprise and push me off of the delicate knife-edge balance of holding it all together.  I had my own personal perfect mini-storm. 

This morning started off innocently enough – one of my clients from the UK forgot that I’m 8 time zones behind her, so my business line rang at 6:30am.  It woke me up enough to realize that I had a pounding headache.  So, I grabbed the Tylenol from my nightstand with my eyes half open.  About a half an hour later, I realized that I shouldn’t have taken it on an empty stomach, so I trodded downstairs to grab a granola bar and prevent a nasty case of nausea.  Darn headache never did go away though.  

Then, on to some good news.  Two of my clients shared their birth announcements this morning.  After all, fertility tourism (IVF in Europe) is my business – and I’m darn happy when my clients who have struggled so very much finally get their dreams fulfilled.  One of them shared my due date (she just got around to giving me the birth info, I’m sure because she didn’t want it to be painful for me); the second one delivered her triplet boys last week – all three are healthy, gorgeous and already weigh over 4 pounds!  I do love that part of my job, the clients who call to tell me how thankful they are that I helped them get pregnant with this bundle of absolute joy and perfection that has taken over their life.  

So far, so good, right?  Lots of happy news.   Then, right in the middle of that, I get an unexpected phone call.  It’s from the local guru of multiples – she runs a multiples pregnancy class and also a multiples mommy and me class.  I had signed up for the pregnancy class, then had to cancel when I was on bedrest.  Her contact person called today to let me know they are starting a new mommy and me class and I was on the list.  That did it.  It was all I could do to muster the words “both of my twins died”.  When she said she was sorry and asked how I was doing, I couldn’t get anything to even come out of my mouth.    She wished me well, and hung up, and I dissolved into tears – not the stray tear down the cheek, but get the whole kleenex box kind of tears that have continued off and on all day.   We were supposed to be in that class damn it!   Me, Trace and Quinn – hanging out with other moms and their twins. 

I thought I was past the point where I had no control over my tears.  Ha!  Universe says “think again”. 

I’m sure it wasn’t just that call.   Other contributing factors were likely my PMS, reading about another mom who lost her baby a few days after birth and shockingly her family kept the news from her for days; finding out a friend who gave up on adoption after 2 years and one failed adoption match had used the same attorney I’m using; and myriad other little things had just piled up until my cup ran over. 

Like I said, sometimes it is just one little thing that just pushes me over the edge.  I need to make that edge wider and more stable I think. 

Now, where’s my wine glass?  I feel a hot bath and glass of red wine will be the best way to wash this all away.  Although I’m not sure it will do much for this pesky headache. 

And on a positive note, I received word today that our home study is moving forward and our social worker has been assigned.   One more step down a long, twisty path.   You know, I’m not asking for “easy” on the road to parenthood…..we are so far past that we forgot what it would be like.  But maybe, just this once, we could get to parenthood without having to experience every single disappointment possible?  I’m ready for a break!

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2 Responses to Just when I thought it was safe

  1. I know this feeling well. Just when I think I’ve got things under control, those pesky tears force their way out. But mine usually decide to come out when I’m in public places which makes it even worse. At least you were at home where you could cry without people thinking you were crazy.

    I’ve also figured out that depending on what country you are, you get different reactions. In the US people look at you with concern, in the UK people see you crying and then quickly look away pretending not to notice, and in Ireland people just ignore you completely,,, even if you’re sobbing in a shopping centre. I’ve got a few trips planned this year so perhaps I can learn how they react to crying in countries like Italy and Spain??? Or maybe by that point I will get them under control?

  2. New Normal says:

    Hmm, that is very interesting about the varying responses in other countries. I fight the battle of when is it okay to control them vs. when I need to be “in the moment” and just be sad. I am a control freak though, so I feel much better when I feel like it is within my control – however realistic or not.

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