I have read of many baby loss moms who wish that they would see their lost babies in their dreams. I’ve never been one to have people who have passed show up in my current dreams, so it’s not something I ever expect will happen. If it does, it will be so bittersweet, but I just don’t think it will happen.
Usually, I would say that I don’t often remember my dreams. But last week I had one so vivid that I simply couldn’t get it out of my mind. I found it to be shocking, and frankly, made me feel just a little crazy.
In my dream, I was at a local clinic. First I was in a waiting room, with other people, but no one I knew. There were adults and children in the waiting room. Then I was on a gurney, and suddenly I knew why I was there! This was a local fertility clinic, and they were planning to transfer 3 frozen embryos – one great one, and two not so good. When I realized what was going on, I freaked out! I was horrified that I almost had a transfer. I knew that there was no way I could carry another pregnancy and somehow that concept had gotten lost. I had forgotten? Was I so in a rut of doing fertility treatment after fertility treatment that somehow I forgot that it was no longer an option or part of “the plan”?
Before anything else happened, I woke up. But I remain puzzled as to where that dream came from. Is it that I so want to be a “mommy” that I would do absolutely anything – even allow my brain to “forget” what it knows to be true and try to get pregnant against doctor’s orders? I don’t think so. Otherwise we wouldn’t be on this domestic infant adoption path.
Is it my subconscious slowly catching on to the idea that there will be no more fertility treatments, no more transfers, and no more pregnancies in this body? After all, pregnancy and motherhood has been part of my daily thoughts for over 5 years now. Maybe my dreams needed to catch up with reality!
I wonder if potential adoptive parents have dreams of “the matching call”? Or do they dream about the baby’s birth? Even though I am one, I don’t feel like I’m a PAP yet – so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to visualize, dream or daydream about? It all feels a bit unreal still.
I guess it will all come together with time. But for now, maybe no dreams would be best.