In my last two posts, I’ve mentioned the curiously strange set of dreams I have had lately. They are strange both for the content, as well as the fact that I don’t normally dream, or if I do, I don’t remember them. But recently, I wake with vivid memories of the details of these dreams.
I had one more two nights ago. This one was more unsettling, I was pregnant with one of the twins, the other had come out and passed away already, but one was still in there (my belly was huge), and I was convinced his heart had stopped because I couldn’t feel him move for hours and yet I was strangely calm and went about with what I was doing rather than being frantic and scared and everything else that would have been normal in those circumstances. I was in a foreign country where everything was unfamiliar. And just as I was going to try to find a hospital, the baby started moving like crazy to let me know he was still okay. And then I woke up.
But perhaps now the pregnancy dreams have left. Last night, I dreamt we got an email with an adoption match. I could see in my dream the subject line – it said a word three times. I think it was “shocking, shocking, shocking” and they meant that it was shocking we got a match so soon. He had already been born but was still an infant. Then immediately I was in some sort of crazy situation with a baby that I didn’t know how to take care of (I forgot to change him all night, could only find bottles that had been sitting out and not refrigerated) in a messy, messy house (sort of like the family on Shameless). I can only assume it is my own fears about being a good mother, being capable of taking care of another human that relies solely on me that are bringing these strange dreams forward.
Then again, maybe these dreams are just for my amusement–to make me laugh at myself, view the sillyness of my insecurities? Or maybe I need to stop watching mindless TV shows like Shameless before I go to sleep.