Not IF, but when

Sometimes a shift in my thinking is so subtle, I haven’t even noticed that it has occurred. 

Since we moved into this neighborhood a few years ago, there has been a children’s clothing store a few blocks away from us.  I pass it routinely when leaving our house. 

When I was pregnant with the boys, as I’ve mentioned before, I would not enter a maternity or baby store – just afraid I would hex my pregnancy.  Well, we know how well that worked out for me.   But anyway, when we were trying to conceive, doing IVF # (insert muffled sound here), and when I was newly pregnant, I would drive by that store and think to myself “I wonder if I will ever get to shop in that store”.  

As I drove by it the other day, I realized that my unprovoked thought was “I wonder when I will get to shop in that store”.  I had even shocked myself a bit with that thought.  I think that means that I do truly believe in my heart that we will be parents – it is just a matter of time. 

I can say that when we started the adoption process, one of the reasons we decided on this path was because everyone we know who has tried to adopt through our attorney now has a baby (or two) – unless they chose to stop the process.  It didn’t always happen on the first match, but in the end, everyone became parents. 

So, that meant that the likelihood of bringing home a baby seemed pretty certain and helped us make the adoption decision.   I knew that in my head.  I wanted to believe it – I really did.  But sometimes it takes my heart a little time to catch up with my head. 

But, I think that it has finally happened – the IF became a When!  (no pun intended)  And I have to say, it feels kinda good.  A little butterflies in the stomach kind of moment. 

PS – As I wrote that “butterflies” phrase, my mind immediately went back to the time when Quinn and Trace were the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  I miss those days.  I guess with every sweet on this path comes a little bittersweetness.

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3 Responses to Not IF, but when

  1. Kathy says:

    Thank you for delurking and commenting on my blog today!

    What a beautiful and hopeful post. I really like your new way of thinking of “when instead of IF.”

    As I said in my reply to your comment on my blog, I am sorry for the loss of your twin sons. Life can be so unfair and does take a lot of grief work to be able to find that new normal, as you say (what a great blog name BTW).

    Best wishes with domestic adoption. My sister and her husband adopted domesticly last year and we are so grateful to have their daughter in our life and family.

  2. Sue says:

    Thanks for stopping by Kathy and for your kind words. I’m so glad to hear that your family has been enriched through the adoption of your neice. 🙂

  3. adoptchange says:

    Thanks for your comment on my blog and introducing yourself! Your post was very appropriate for my day as I noticed myself using “when” instead of “if” in my thoughts this morning. I think positive thinking is so important! I look forward to reading more about your journey!

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