This is my first Mother’s Day that I can celebrate being a mother!
But the emotions are not quite so simple. As I contemplate this day and what it means, I find myself weepy and emotional, happy and sad – I guess bittersweet is what best describes my feelings this Mother’s Day. I’m sure these emotions have been heightened by an event that I won’t recount here, but that felt a bit like an unexpected sucker punch – totally catching me off-guard and reducing me to tears and speechlessness. People can be so cruel and heartless sometimes.
Yet, I am beyond grateful to be experiencing my first mother’s day – both as a mom to Ashlyn, but also and as mother to Trace and Quinn. It would have been so much harder to experience this first Mother’s Day without having this delightful little girl in our lives – and still I am sad for what I have missed with the lives we had imagined for Trace and Quinn. I guess it is normal to have those conflicting emotions – so this Mother’s Day will be especially bittersweet, as a mother of 3 (two in heaven, one in my arms).
And to all of the mothers whose children can’t be in your arms, or those who desire motherhood and haven’t yet had their wishes come true, my heart goes out to you too on this special day where we celebrate all that is motherhood.
I remember the days of infertility, before I was a mother, how I wished I could ignore that day that so poignantly made me feel like a total loser for not being able to get pregnant and have children – how I hated Mother’s Day back then. And now, I think how difficult it must be for the birth mother (or first mothers) who selflessly make the loving choice to have someone else parent their children. I imagine the loss and sadness they must also feel on this day.
To K, the woman who gave birth to Ashlyn and chose us to be her parents, words could never express how much we love this little girl and how thankful we are to you for the incredible and difficult choice you have made.
So, wherever you are in your motherhood journey, I wish you peace on this day that has so much emotion wrapped in one little word – mother.