Still Life With Circles has started an amazing project for baby lost moms – it is the Right Where I Am Project. http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/2011/05/right-where-i-am-project-two-years-five.html
So, here is my “right where I am” today:
It has been 8 months and 1 day since my twin boys were born, Quinn died the same day, Trace followed him 4 days later.
A lot has happened since then, we adopted a 9 month old baby girl in early April – but although it makes me mommy, it does nothing to take away my grief.
Today, Memorial Day, I stood in the shower and cried. I feel like the world wants me to be back to normal – I have a child now, but that doesn’t take away what I lost with my boys. And that doesn’t make it all better. I love her dearly -AND I miss my boys – all at the same time. They are separate, independent things.
About two weeks ago my MIL watched my daughter for 2 hours while I was on a business call. Afterwards she said to me “I’m so glad you don’t have the twins” – apparently she was trying to express that she was overwhelmed taking care of just one. But I was so angry with her – I stammered and shook my head and told her not to say it – never to say it again. I still cannot fathom why someone would feel it is okay to say that. We would never say “I’m so glad your mother died, she would have been such a burden on you”. So, why is it okay to say you are glad that my children aren’t here?
After discussing it with my DH, he wants me to “fix it” so there isn’t tension between us. Yet, he knows if I bring it up to her, she will just justify what she said as me being too sensitive or that it wasn’t what she meant. Yet, the truth is that her motives really weren’t relevant in the moment- knowing that she didn’t mean to hurt me (assuming the best case scenario) did nothing to lessen the stabbing pain that took my breath away when she said such a terrible, horrible thing. And frankly, trying to discuss it with her and hearing her being defensive would almost be worse than the original offense. How is it that she gets to be mad at me for stopping her and telling her not to say that? How does this make sense? I honestly don’t know how this issue gets resolved – or maybe I just don’t care to resolve it. A line has been crossed that can never be un-crossed.
I don’t want to be the bitter woman whose children died…but some things are just sacred. Some things that should just go unsaid – even if they are in your head. I can’t and won’t apologize for feeling this strongly about it.
Somehow this whole thing threw me right back to the angry stage of grief. Not surprisingly, shortly after this incident, I got a sore throat – the kind that comes when your body needs to speak out and you feel that you can’t say what you feel. I can’t make it go away. Perhaps it is telling me that I need a way to express how mad and sad I still am. Maybe this post will help.
And that, my friends, is the ugly truth about “right where I am” today.